I made the nurse take my blood pressure three times and check my weight twice because I did not believe the readings. I went through the rest of the appointment in a kind of haze and went for a coffee and a slice of carrot cake to think it through. I verified the weight readings after a quick jump onto the Wii Fit after the rest of the family raced RC cars in the school parking lot. I had ostensibly volunteered to stay behind and clean the kitchen and empty the dryer but what I really wanted to verify it all in private.

I took a chance with a new protein drink and bars and succeeded in going back over the 190lbs mark and it turns out that I need to stay on blood pressure medication for the near future. Safe to say, my afternoon doctor’s appointment did not work out the way I planned.

I was feeling anxious enough to consider not blogging today. I deliberately postponed my regular 11:00AM post, expecting to be bursting with good news. I sat down to my ‘black eye’ – a very strong cup of coffee – but took out my Kindle instead of my laptop from my backpack. I just didn’t feel like writing about anything. I was even going to go to bed tonight, telling myself I had nothing to write about.

Which is the furthest thing from the truth. What’s true is there is too much to write about but nothing I wanted to put down on paper. When I’m conflicted like this, I’m bombarded with little nagging doubts that confuse me and keep me from finding any direction. So, what do I do when this happens?

I write. When I get lost, I sometimes go to a dark place and I come out with the words I need. They won’t always be the right ones – I am traipsing around in the dark, remember, and I can grab only what I stumble over and find – but they are words and they make me feel a little better. There are days I worry that I can’t write without that little bit of darkness, but I stop worrying and get back to writing.

I read. It gets my mind off of things and I dive into a book. I’ve actually almost finished Stephen King’s “The Outsider” and he has done another masterful job. But he doesn’t need to hear that from me.

I exercise. I can’t do much now but I went over my routine for tomorrow morning (yes, another spreadsheet, with hyperlinks and everything) and tweaked it a little so I get a little more cardio in.

I plan. More spreadsheets. No more protein drinks through the day, no more bars. Just my regular diet, low on carbs and sugar, high in meat protein. Plan it out for the next 7 days. I can guess where I will be in 7 days and set another target.

This brings my blood pressure down – which reminds me that I need to get my prescription filled (but who am I kidding? My wife will be all over that) and I breathe easier. This dispels those nagging doubts that get in my way – those doubts that tell me that I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that I am coming off as self important, that none of this really matters and why am I putting this online for all the world to read. This makes me feel better.

Yeah, I stumbled. But it doesn’t mean I have to stay there.

-edited a little for words and clarifications. I didn’t do a draft of this last night – so I am editing in the morning before I go to any meetings. And it looks like I won’t post again until tonight. Behind schedule again 😦


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